so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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