you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
