Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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