nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
