Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Text me some of your sweat
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