Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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