I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
