can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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