So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
