i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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