you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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