My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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