After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Panties = found
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
