we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
