Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
