She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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