dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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