im drinking this country out of the recession.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
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