Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
