I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
