They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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