Please, let me fuck your mom
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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