I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
