I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
