The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
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When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
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Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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