Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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