I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
