Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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