tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
