So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
