I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I stole a fireplace last night.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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