I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
