I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
