Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
