Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
