I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
