Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
