I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
