I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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