The maid of honor just puked.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
