I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
We need to get me chipped asap
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
