she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
