When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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