I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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