Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
jump out the window naked night went bad
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
