My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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