eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
