I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
