roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
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But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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