I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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