at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
