How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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