my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
