the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
