im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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