considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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